No, we are not going nowhere. We are instead going in circles.
No, we are not lost. We are back to the start.
You ask me to talk about my feelings. You ask me to give words to my feelings. I couldn't give you words. You try to be more specific - you ask me to describe emptiness. I still dont have the words. You end up asking me why I wouldn't talk. You assure me repeatedly that I can trust you and that you are there to help me.
I give you a faint smile, but I guess you missed it. I smile several times more, but it so seems you wouldn't take any of it. I watch your face as it watches mine, and find it blankly gazing at me.
Let me see.
I lie with smiles. I lie with smiles because it is so much easier than to find the words to tell the truth. I wish you are capable of condescending what is beneath the silence - but, I realize you are too impatient. You want the answers soon. Hear them or see them.
Having given up on waiting for words to come out of me, you give me a sheet of paper and a pencil. You tell me to draw anything that represents myself, anything at all. I give you a smile again, but still, you missed it. Finally, I thought, this was something to make it easier for the both of us. You don't need to ask, I don't need to talk.
I thought wrong.
A candle burning on both ends - and you might think I'm burning myself and the ground beneath me.
A fowl soaring in the horizon - and you might think I'm heady and losing boundedness.
I went from object to object - a half-filled cup, a beautiful weed, a long road... And I thought hard, that anything can mean something, and that anything can mean differently to anyone. Which means - that I would have to explain myself again.
I hear the trickle of the water, which brought my gaze to the window. It was raining again. I love the rain so much and how it makes the view hazy.
I am very much like the rain. I have fallen so many times, but I still come out hopeful. Every time the rain falls, it paints the world beautiful, though different. I guess I will draw the rain.
I try but my hands cannot capture the beauty my eyes do. I try, but with every stroke of the pencil, the eraser was soon to follow. I now think, who exactly has succeeded in drawing the rain?
You come at me and ask, "Why have you drawn nothing?" "Is this how empty you really feel?" I smile again and understand how your eyes fail to let you see. Your eyes have failed to see how erasures have thinned my paper, that I can try no more. You failed seeing how many chances I took. I only needed you to give me another sheet of paper, but I guess I cant get that in real life anyway.
"We are wasting time. We both don't have much. I can only speak the words I know, but they can't tell what they need to speak. Your eyes can only show you what your mind wants to see, but the truth isn't always visible to the eye. Let's stop wasting time."
I won't smile anymore. I don't have to.
___________________________________________
I say fiction.
That's how you shrink the shrink.
